Voices from See Us, Support Us: Kat Secaida
It’s been a rough day. I honestly don’t even remember waking up. I have been glued to my computer trying to end my last week of being an undergraduate, but I am crying in between my essays. I wasn’t crying actually, my eyes were watery, and I zoned out, rubbing my eyes so I wouldn’t cry. Holding in my tears because my mother is in the other room, and I don’t want her to worry. It’s been an interesting couple of months, but I just don’t think I can do it anymore. I feel so burnt out on life; so many things have happened to me, I am starting to realize that I live on a clock and my time is ticking.
Every morning I wake up at 6 a.m. I am one day older every day—I wake up with the same thoughts. I go outside and water my grass, I feed the cats, walk my dog, sit on the grass and look at the morning sky. I can hear the birds chirping and I feel like I am in a safe, quiet place. Growing up, I never really had a quiet place, so silence scares me but makes me feel safe. I have been gardening a lot lately since school is online, and I am working remotely. Being at home a lot can get to me. So, I clean my little garden and I am intrigued by how plants grow. I plant seeds with my little green gloves that have small pink flowers. I touch the soil with my small hands, attempting to feel grounded. I am growing zucchini, and the leaves are big and green. I can’t wait to actually have my zucchini grow. I am graduating in six days. I don’t know how I did it, but I did it. I have mixed feelings about graduating. It feels so unreal—a bittersweet moment.
Sorry, I know my letter might be a little all over the place, but I know you don’t mind.
I miss you so much, and it’s one of those days when I wish I can just call you and tell you everything, but when you call, I push my feelings down because I don't want you to hear me cry. I know you don’t mind, but I shouldn’t cry over something so precious. I am graduating from my university. All those sleepless nights paid off. Some people say that a college education is nothing, but for a low income student whose parents risked their lives to cross the border, gosh it means more than a college degree. It’s breaking generational curses, it’s giving hope to my future and bloodline. In my bloodline we all put in work, and work is different just like anyone else. I will send you pictures, okay?
Whenever I miss you, I look at the art you drew for me, and I feel safe and calm. My friend, you have talent; I need more art from you. So, I can show you off!
I miss you every day. I can’t wait to see you. I can’t wait to hug you. I can’t wait, but I must wait. Your calls make me happy. It is nice to talk to an old friend. I am happy I have you back in my life.
(P.S. I spoke to the moon about you)